Subject: Elegant Email

by Susan Scott Morales

The other day I received this message from a supervisor where I volunteer: “Just wanted to remind you that what you did is not done (in our organization).” Did she really think I was a rebel that needed to be reminded of the policies? No, I think “just wanted to remind you” was her way of letting me know that I was going to read something unpleasant. It didn’t work. The message sent me into a tailspin for several hours.

All the while composing responses to the bitter tasting email, I tried to understand my reaction. Why was I so unsettled by her comments? As a psychotherapist I’ve often heard complaints from clients about family members delivering “bad news” this way. It usually feels to them like a hit-and-run. But this wasn’t anything that bad or that close. I concluded that my reaction has to do with feeling blindsided.

Emails have the “urgent” signal and symbols like J. (My computer won’t let me use the semi-colon and parenthesis without automatically making it a smiley face.) Then there is “nnto” that is. “no need to open,” which I wish had been in the subject line of the caustic note I received.

If I worked with my supervisor in the same building, instead of three states away, and she asked to meet in her office, there’d be that nagging time as I gather my notes and get a cup of coffee, trying to look relaxed. And while I walk there my mind would review all the possible reasons for the meeting. It could be uncomfortable news. So I’d protect myself.

With email, we are used to clicking through them quickly, sorting out the junk, filing what can be done later. If you’re like me, you’re in task mode, and you’re in your head. That’s fertile ground for hurt feelings. Let’s come up with some protection, giving the recipient a heads up – is there a typographical symbol for that? – a moment to gather a veil of protection.

Here are some ideas for the subject line:

For the person who loves word games: Owyafcaatrpdi? (Open when you are feeling centered and able to receive possibly disturbing information.)

For guys and those people that want it straight and to the point: &#?@#! (Yes, just like in the cartoons.)

For us sensitive types: “I’m confused.” This is the elegant choice. The sender takes responsibility for his/her need. There is no blame, and an openness that communicates, “I’d like to hear what you have to say.” The body of the message can be simple, “Let’s talk,” and include available times. Then, the phone call. But that’s another topic.